It was one of those Sundays where there was absolutely nothing to do. The sort
of day where you have one of two choices: drink yourself comatose or watch Westerns on the TV. Being the multi-talented, wild
person that I am, I decided to do both. After all, even John Wayne has his charm through beer goggles.
So I armed myself with the remote control and a glass of red wine and snuggled
down on the sofa. I'd cleverly moved a tub of sweets from Halloween up to the edge of the sofa so I could reach them with
ease.
Of course, Halloween was 5 months ago, but the sweets needed to be eaten eventually.
I'd originally bought them the day before Halloween to give the children something if they came to my door. However, Jason
had come round with a new cocktail 'recipe' and by the time children started making their way up the steps, all we could manage
in our inebriated states was a loud yell of, "Piss off!"
Though I do hope that you don't see me as some strange drunken lady who hurls
abuse at cats and throws bottles. After all, I very rarely get to a state where I can't remember the night before. Though
I can admit that when we were 17, Jason and I did have a habit of celebrating Wednesdays.
So I sat comfortably, eating all kinds of strange fizzy sweets while men in
leather straddled and whipped their horses. I hadn't even drunk any of the wine and already my mind was growing perverted.
Just as I was onto my 5th packet of 'Parma Violets', there was a
knock on the door. Every bone in my body willed me to ignore it. After all, I was dressed in an old pair of jogging pants,
a baggy grey T-shirt and my hair appeared to be tied back by a rag that looked like an old pair of knickers. Though somehow,
my conscience, and nosiness, couldn't resist going to see who it was.
I opened the door to see stood before me a zombie-like creature holding a baby.
I recognised the creature as Michelle from over the road. In her arms was her 6-month-old daughter Danielle...otherwise known
by Jason and I as Stinky Mucky Noisy. Not because we don't like babies, oh no, Jason absolutely loves kids and I don't mind
them. The reason more lies in the fact that we don't like SMN (as we refer to her). Of course, we clarified that this must
not under any circumstances be muddled up with S&M, MSN or M&S.
I hate to criticise, but when I saw Michelle, I suddenly lost all worries about
the way I was dressed. She looked like her hair hadn't seen water for a week and her bottle green leggings were littered with
baby food. There were nappy pins attached to the bottom of her polo neck and a pang of worry flowed through me as I wondered
what exactly was holding the baby's washable nappy to her body. So this is what motherhood does to a woman?
Having said that, she has had a hard time. Her boyfriend walked out pretty
much after the kid was conceived and it can't be easy bringing up two children all alone. For the last year or so, she and
I have become closer and it became a normal occurrence for one of us to visit the other socially.
So I invited her in and she made herself comfortable on my armchair while I
switched off the showdown that was blaring out of my TV and settle down with her for a chat.
As she talked to me and told me about what was happening, she bounced SMN gently
on her knee. I couldn't help but feel a pang of sympathy for her. She was only 17 when she had her first baby, George. George's
father had run of in much the same pattern as SMN's father did.
"I need a man." She sighed.
I couldn't help but chuckle slightly at the comment. After all, I think every
woman has said it at some point.
Michelle didn't seem to notice.
"I need someone to love me for who I am and who finds me attractive. Plus I
need the bathroom replacing, I need the stairs painting, and I need all kinds of odd jobs around the house doing that I just
cant do." She moaned.
And she was right. Their front garden had been filled with an old, pink bathroom
sink, a showerhead, a shower door, a pile of rubble that had been a wall and two empty paint cans.
I suggested that maybe rather than finding someone to love, she'd be quicker
shagging a plumber, but she dismissed my idea because apparently all plumbers have 'unusual haircuts'.
"You see, Anita, I can't be like you. I can't meet someone I like and go out
at night with them. I have children to look after." She explained, when I suggested she come with me on the pull.
"Well then we won't go out, I'll bring someone here for you to have dinner
with, it will be like a double date." I explained.
Of course, Michelle pointed out that I was also single, but a plan was already
forming in my head.
"Pleeeeease!" I begged Jason, down the phone.
"No, Anita. I'm not posing as your boyfriend." He replied.
"Oh, c'mon. It's only for one night and we're both single so we wouldn't be
making anyone jealous. Plus you know I'd do it for you!" I persuaded.
"Sweetie, by no stretch of the imagination could you pose as my boyfriend."
He teased.
I giggled, but then went back to being serious.
"Oh, you know what I mean. Remember when I went to your Grandma's with you
and went along with it when you told her I was your girlfriend, just so you didn't have to tell her that you were dating a
bloke." I reminded him.
After listening for twenty minutes to Jason explaining how he and Malcolm had
broken up and a bit more persuading, he finally agreed.
"So, who are you inviting as Michelle's date?" He asked me.
"Andrew. He's someone I work with...in fact, he's the only 100% straight man
I could think of." I confessed.
Jason chuckled.
"I'll see you tonight, then. For our hot date." He joked, "See you, honey."
"Bye." I said, before ending the call.
The night started off okay. We had a nice chat, Michelle didn't seem too keen
on Andrew, but I was optimistic and hoped they would like each other more by the end of the night. Another good thing was
that my cooking had gone fabulously. Well, I must admit that Jason had helped. He's a fantastic cook...unfortunately he knows
this.
After dinner, Jason began to clear the plates away and Andrew helped him. Much
to my protest, I'd hoped to leave Andrew and Michelle alone and disappear off into the kitchen, but Andrew insisted.
While we were alone, Michelle and I chatted for a while. Eventually, I noticed
how long the men had been.
"Excuse me a moment, I'd best go see what's happened to the boys. They've probably
broken a glass and don't know what to do." I joked as I left the dining room.
My heart almost stopped as I stepped into the kitchen, I saw Jason and Andrew
stood in the centre of the room, kissing like teenagers.
"Fucking hell, Jason!" I declared as their lips parted.
Much to my surprise, though, they didn't move very far from each other.
Jason flashed me a cheeky grin.
"It looks like Mr. 100% straight isn't as straight as you thought." He joked.
Part of me wanted to rip Jason into a thousand tiny pieces, but part of me
wanted to laugh uncontrollably at the situation.
Both parts must have acted at once because I started to shout, before breaking
down into a fit of giggles.
"You are unbelievable, you know." I laughed, "Ah well, I suppose I should be
happy for you. After all, at least this night has been some sort of a success."
"Yep, such a success that Andy and I were hoping to maybe go back to my place
for coffee." Jason told me.
I smiled and hugged them both good bye, before going to explain the situation
to Michelle. This was a task that I wasn't looking forward to, but luckily, she wasnt too disappointed.
I made a pot of coffee and we both relaxed in the living room.
"Bloody men." She sighed.
"Bloody men." I agreed.
© Rebecca Crossan 2003
